Stephen Colbert—Senior Scandal Historian—“Slaverygate”

Welcome to June. Dear Diary…today I started summer school and ate a chicken sandwich. Tomorrow, I’ll meet with my landlord and discuss things.

Dear Santa, this today I would like a dog, a woman, some Plymouth’s gin, and $100M. Santa, I promise if you deliver the aforementioned loot I still won’t believe in you but I will leave you cantaloupe wrapped in prosciutto. If, however, you fail to deliver Santa—I promise I’ll hunt you down and pepper you with 1000 Laotian midgets.

Apparently, Nivea soothes the pain of shaving. Commercials rock.