The winter of the lazy ovis and a malcontent

Dateline: Thursday. Well at least today is the beginning of the end. This is one of those times when I love the twenty-second amendment to the Constitution. Now there is at least a time and date to look forward to—Noon, January 20, 2009. The clock started not long ago.

As mentioned the other day, the weather has been less than warm and as such, may have affected my spirits and motivation—it might also be the living room. Its either ritualism or bi-polarism that afflicts for the motivation to do much of anything has waned so dramatically that its only the habit of responsibility and hygiene that allows for some continuity in R’s rhythmic pulmonary and cardiac functions. OK, that might be a bit dramatic, but the point should still be ruminated on.

There is of course a patriarchal solution for this which I believe may have come courtesy of G.H. Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger: exercise. The solution is rife with problems; so many in fact that the time it would take to detail and catalogue each, then respond to counterarguments, and finally draw diagrams, would be much better spent with a dry London gin distilled from a variety of fragrant botanicals and a Dunhill. But in the spirit of generosity, I’ll leave you with the main problem caused by the repetitious exertion of non-existent muscle mass: health.

The way I see it (cuál a propósito, is the way that most should, I do, however, encourage sparse amounts of dissent just for the sake of argument and confrontation) the supposed benefits to exercise can all be obtained by living a normal life. In fact, I’m in the throes of writing the diet guide right now which based on early copies of the draft distributed to industry and medical professionals I expect to be overwhelmingly successful; so successful in fact that Miami’s South Beach will cease to exist—this will drive cartographers nuts—and that Atkins fellow will rollover in his customized extra-wide grave.

For those of you who want a head-start on the road to wellness I will leave you with these nuggets of wisdom from The Fountain of Youth—A Guide to Epicureanism, Diet, Exercise, and Attitude by Juan Ponce de Leon, XXVVI (Juan Ponce de Leon, XXVVI is the pseudonym that I will be publishing this title under). Oh, and another thing before the nuggets of wisdom—the new food/drink chart that I have co-created with my bartender and chef, but sans a medical professional or dietician, is going to be revolutionary, people will die, people will die I tell you. Vive le hedonism!

And now without further adieu I’ll give you a sample daily diet.
Breakfast: one citrus, one banana, one grain, two coffees and three cigarettes.
Lunch: nobody has time for lunch, have another coffee and two cigarettes.
Light Evening Snack: an appetizer of sorts (i.e. Parmigiano-Reggiano or Locatelli Romano and a well aged pancetta), not inconsiderable glass or a bold red and cigarette.
Evening workout: walk to local grocery/bar—whichever the evening dictates*
Evening meal: Multi-course and fine preparation are a must. Nothing fast qualifies, in fact if it is fast you will not be here tomorrow. Water or appropriate wine with different courses of meal (one of which should be of the leafy variety), Copious amounts of Cabernet-Sauvignon accompanying the chocolate desert tray, espresso and three cigarettes (trust me, you’ll need them).
Post consumption beverage: Your choice imbibe away and sleep well.

*workout may be supplemented with opening the front door of your building, followed by the opening of a taxi-cab door, the closing of said door, and finally its opening and your exit.