THE US CONSTITUTION, THE BIBLE AND GOD'S ETERNAL LAW

Dear President Bush,


Thank you for reminding us to obey God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from you and understand why you
support a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex
marriage. As you said, "In the eyes of God marriage is
based between a man a woman."

I try to share your knowledge with as many people as I
can. When someone tries to defend homosexual
relationships, I simply remind them that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding
some other elements of God's Law and how to follow
them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are purchased from
neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this
applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what
do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman
while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness -
Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have
tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it
creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The
problem is with my neighbors. They claim the odor is
not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the
Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put
to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself,
or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a
lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of
abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar
of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit
that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be
20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though
this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should
they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a
dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play
football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by
planting two different crops in the same field, as
does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He
also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole neighborhood together to stone them? Lev.
24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a
private family affair, like we do with people who
sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

11. I would like to take on a second wife and maybe a
few concubines, if I can scrape enough money together.
Are you proposing an amendment to ban compulsory
monogamy?

I know you have studied these things extensively and
thus possess considerable expertise in such matters,
so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for
reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging, and that our constitution and laws ought
to enforce it.

Sincerely,

Joe Christian-American

PS: Do you know where I can get a used Mexican cheap?
(Lev. 25:44)